Should I give up on my husband now?

by Rashmi
(Los Angeles, CA)


I am an Indian wife married for 2 years, staying with Indian husband in USA. I really need advice on my current relationship situation. To ask you question, I would give you some background to understand my issue.

I am 28 years old, married in 2015 to a software engineer. I am also an Software professional having 5+ years of experience in IT industry. I married my husband at the age of 26, which was the arranged marriage.

Initially during our courtship period, he was very kind and caring towards me. But one night, we had a huge fight before our marriage which even lead to break our engagement, but I somehow handled that situation and got married to him.

After marriage he rented an apartment which was close to his office but required 5 hours of travel from my workplace. By the way, he never used to visit his office and often worked from home. I struggled like hell to go to office and work for household thing. He never helped me in any work even though he was free all time as he was not allocated to any project in his office, all he wanted to do is play his Video games day and night.

After 5 months, he got a chance for US project, he was always wanted to have an onsite opportunity, so he moved to US without even thinking about what am I going to do? Then after 5 months he started to ask me to leave India and accompany him in US as he was alone here. He promised me that he will file for my VISA and will try to get a job for me here. Believing in his idea, I resigned my loved job and moved to US. After coming here, he wanted me to do all household work, he barely helped me in anything. I started asking him for my job, he always ignored and never gave me satisfying answers.

I started freelancing to pass my time and earn some money as here I didn’t have any friends or family other than him. But he always expected me to do all the chores, cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. He is never ready to offer any help as he thinks that I am sitting at home and doing unimportant work in freelancing. The only thing he want to do in his free time is playing video games. He never takes me out as he thinks eating outside is waste of money. He didn’t gift me anything on my birthday or our marriage anniversary. He never let me buy anything I
like because he thinks I already have much e.g. cloths, cosmetics.

In US, I am completely dependent on him because my dependent visa does not permit me to work in US. He never gives me any pocket money, I do have 200$ in my valet but I never use them. I agree that he pays for our rent, bills and groceries, but in return of it he expects me to do all work in house. He would help me sometimes in cleaning and laundry but them make me feel ashamed of it as I am making my husband work in home. He has drinking habits and looses his control after drinking.
We had a huge fight last time when he grabbed my hand and dragged me to get out of home, the major reason of fight was his Video game.

I have conveyed him lots of time about his Video game and drinking habit but he just says that he will lessen it but never does. After that fight, he apologized and said that he will change his behavior towards me. For some days everything was fine, but soon after he started his annoying habits again.

Now, I have decided to apply for master education in US. For which I needed some money to attempt entrance exam and for college application for which he paid. But last night, it was my best friend’s birthday and I asked her about the gift her boyfriend gave her. On a funny note, I mentioned this to my husband and playfully said him that he hasn’t gifted me anything, in the reply of this he said that, he is paying for my exam fees which is equal to a gift. The next morning, I was sleeping as I was little bit upset with his reply, he started yelling at me and asked me wake up and make breakfast for him even though he knows that I am night owl. He always expects me to make breakfast, lunch and dinner for me 30 days a month. He is an unappreciative person, who never say good words about me, never appreciate my work, never comment anything good about the food I cook.

I really don’t know what to do. I cannot tell this all to my parents as they are already struggling with their medical and personal problems. I don’t believe that my in-laws can help me in this. I don’t know how can I behave so that I can make him treat me equally. I fear to get divorce because of my family pressure and society reputation. Please help me and advice on this situation.

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Jun 03, 2019
Take what is yours
by: Nishant

Very sad to know your situation. Don't be afraid of your parents or relatives. No one will blame you for your suffering. So be bold and talk to someone who understands you better. Sometimes you need to vent it out. Then try to make some relationship changes like trying to talk to him and explaining how you feel and how you are mentally suffering.

Some of the negative things can be taken out probably just by communication. If things are not working, may be take a break and go visit your parents, meet your in-laws. Not asking you to complain but at least talk to them and ask for help as it seems you want to make it happen.

If none of these attempts work, I guess its time to think about alternative options. You are so young and have a good life ahead. Don't give up please. Take what is yours in life.

Apr 05, 2019
Similar situation
by: Anonymous

I just moved here to LA and am in a similar situation. I have no friends or family here my husband orders me around and makes me wake up at 4am in the morning to cook for him. I have to sleep when he sleeps. To be honest I don’t mind doing it if he isn’t such an ungrateful tyrant with severe anger and mental issues (He sets 5 different alarms and shakes and kicks me)

I gave up my profession, life, family and friends, only to have my husband emotionally, verbally and physically hurt me. He’d abandoned me on the street but luckily my sister in law called her mother to come rescue me. I didn’t want to be a financial burden to a stranger and I don't have a job so I went back to my husband. His behavior towards me improved He refused to find us a place to live, and so we were homeless for 3months. I started developing a cough and found out the mattress we had was covered in mold. The winter is California was cold. I had to buy my own blanket and my husband won’t let me turn on the propane heater. My husband’s excuse for not renting us a place to live was because he didn’t have enough money. He makes from $1000-3000/week in his job. But he would just spend all his money on buying parts for cars and his boat. I finally convinced him to rent an apartment, but only because I had to pull out my own savings for the down payment.

Finally living decently! I can’t tell you how relieved I feel! But that only made him more angry and resentful towards me. He took my wedding ring and tells me he’s going to sell it. The abuse started again. I found a part-time job making minimum wage. I bring home about $200/week. Meanwhile he makes $1000+/week. Yet he still takes my money and makes me pay for things that I can’t afford. I had saved some of my money from when I was working but the money converted to US dollar equates next to nothing and a chunk of it already went to apartment deposit and registering cars and paying for insurance. He gave me $200 once, only to take it back and spent it when I was trying to save money. I’m hoping to find a job soon so I can have an option to leave but at the same time my residency depends on our marriage so I’m stuck.

Did you leave him?

May 13, 2018
Just a friendly advice. life goes on./
by: Anonymous

Well, he is not interested in you. And i don't think there is any love in this relationship. Divorce could be a healthy and don't always think it is a negative thing.

You are educated and professional woman, there should not be any problem with you making a living.

You can just go back to India, file for a divorce, don't compromise. take alimony for all the troubles you have went through and caused because of him. Then you start a new life. maybe with your parents. Just a simple divorce won't make your parents hate you.

If you still choose to stay in that relationship, you will be unhappy and then your husband will try to find some fault in you to divorce you. even though he motivated you into that.

Mar 09, 2018
by: Anonymous

Threaten to leave. Seriously. Pack Urbags up and leave. Tell him to help or that ur out. If he changes good .. withhold food and sex.. at least ur in the states so ppl understand better. Wait til u get a job and leave. Unless u love him. but I can't see what u see in a man who treats u like that.

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