Should I leave, or continue to try and save my marriage?
I am a 45yr old man. Married 10 years (5 happily) with two young boys. Just for context My wife is a late thirties immigrant of Eastern European descent whose visa was expired when we met. She is a very beautiful woman yet she has self esteem issues. She is addicted to plastic surgeries and other medical procedures to try and better herself despite me constantly telling her how beautiful and perfect I think she looks. She spends thousands. Also for context I keep myself in very good physical shape. I have a very good job with excellent benefits.
Everything began to go south around the 5 year mark. She slowly became withdrawn, and unavailable intimately and affectionately. One thing to note is that around that time and since, she started a new job that earns a decent amount more money than what I make….. She slowly grew to become more and more full of rage, and hurtful. To me and the boys. The verbal, and emotional abuse is getting worse….Any little thing that I do that is perceived as a “mistake” to her because it wasn’t done her way she will explode in rage. Cursing and screaming. Saying such things as you are the stupidest man alive. You’re a worthless loser. You can’t do anything right. A far majority of times these things are said in front of the boys. Every other word out of her mouth a curse. She will degrade me to them. Telling them “don’t be a loser like your f-ing father! I can’t live with three morons!” She degrades me physically. I’m too short. I have a big nose. I don’t make enough money. My **** is small. Im not a good lover. It’s like getting poked with a toothpick. Her fits of rage last for hours at times. Just walking around the house blowing up about the smallest of things. She goes through month long spells where she just seems to hate my existence.
She has said she wants a divorce on many occasions, but always seems to snap out of it. It’s like she uses the verbal abuse and denial of physical intimacy to control and manipulate me to do more and more to try and earn it.
I do not claim to be perfect. I know I’ve made mistakes, but I try my best. I put in the effort. I am a handy guy. I fix just about anything that goes wrong around the house. Plumbing, electric,
carpentry. You name it. I completed many renovations in our home including two bathrooms. I care for our pool. I help clean. I cook. I do laundry. Landscaping. I work full time, and also own a small side business. I put in 70+ hours in an average week. I try my best to be a good husband and father yet it’s never good enough for her. I can clean the house and have dinner ready for her when she gets home from work yet she will come home and begin to explode because of one toy on the floor. The harder I try treat her like the most important person in my life (well behind my two beautiful boys) the worse she treats me. She treats me like complete trash. It’s awful. I put the effort in to meet her needs. She isn’t even trying to meet mine, and I don’t need much. Just a little bit of intimacy and affection. I get little to none. Maybe once every 2 months. She has told me before that she is not in love with me anymore, and that she’s no longer attracted to me. That hurts.
Through it all I continue to try and keep this together, but it all came to head when I caught her on camera in a 10 minute long explosion on the boys all bc one of them cursed while on the phone with a friend. Even though she allows them to curse at home sometimes…. Blood curdling screams. Calling them pieces of shits! “I’m going to kill you both!” This went on and on. She couldn’t stop. The screams were horrific. I could see the boys were terrified. It was awful to see, and I’m sure it’s happened before.
So this time I have filed for the divorce, but I can’t bring myself to serve the papers to her. I don’t know how or why, but I am still in love with her, and still very much attracted to her. What makes it so hard is that (despite the occasional verbally abusive explosions on the boys) she is a good Mom. She is honest. She hasn’t strayed as far as I know, and I have looked. She doesn’t go out and party often at all. Maybe 2-3 times a year she will go out with her friends. She goes to work and comes home. Please help. Should I stay or should I let go??!! It’s just so tough with the boys.
Eugene Kayser, lic. Marriage & Family Therapist