The Monster my husband created with my help.
So all throughout my early childhood, I always dreamed of having that perfect family, husband and children, white picket fence, blah, blah, blah. Well my first marriage totally threw that childhood dream in the sewage!
I was a good wife. Stayed home and kept house, cooked and dealt with the kids. Never once did I ever refuse my husband sex . If he wanted to try something new in the bedroom to spice things up, I did it and never questioned it. In the last 3 years of our marriage I was asked to do things sexually that my soul was uncomfortable with doing. But I did them cause he was my husband. I blame the porn industry for killing the American family. Because my ex husband started watching porn and it stripped me bara on the inside.
I felt like everything that I loved about myself was crumbled into a million little pieces. I lost every bit of respect for myself. Throughout the years, I started to notice the sex was near extinct and I would catch him masturbating in the most random places. Eventually it all lead to the cheating and and a divorce.
I spent 2 years after that marriage trying to build up what was demolished, hoping and praying that nobody would ever find out the things that took place. My ex made me so afraid to even want to leave his own daughters with him during visitation. I worried that a night of sexual frustration he would do something to them and devastate their childhood. I promised to never ever marry another man again.
That was until I met my current husband, we have been married for 6 years. I fell head over heels. He was different. He was easy with me in the bedroom, and anything we tried to spice it up went about as far as keeping the lights on.
About the fourth year into our marriage, I started to notice that he was getting bored with the same ole routine as was I. So me not wanting to lose this great guy, I started suggesting things. I felt confident that he wouldn't make me go through what I did in the first marriage. So I suggested that we should watch porn as a couple. The first couple months we both struggled on how to just not worry and enjoy watching it. He had told me when we were engaged that he was NOT into his wife being with another woman even though we both got turned on by watching them. So that's when I made the decision that it was time to let my skeletons out and let him make the decision to stay or go.
Of course he stayed, and he didn't offer me any of his skeletons in return, so I took it as if he hadn't any that could or would affect our marriage. Boy was I wrong!!! Dead wrong!!! About a year ago he really started to get into the porns and it was almost like it was him on that movie having the sex. He started to want to watch the teen girlls porns. It was like he was doing a role play. He started saying things like when I'm **** this teen babysitter, I want you to sit in a chair and watch me give it to her. I felt my insecurities slowly slipping back in again.
Then one night he opens his closet and the things that fell out of that closet has left the deepest scar on me. We were just having some bedroom talk and I asked him how many girls he had ever been with. BAD DECISION!!! Especially since I'm a jealous person period. He not only told me how many, but he told me their names and basically gave me the most detailed play by play of sex with each one. But I am the dummy that just had to open a can of worms. I hated to hear what he had done to them cause for once in my life I had felt 150% comfortable in my own skin naked around a man and it was him. Never had any man made me feel that comfortable. But here came them insecurities and they slowly started to etch away at my self confidence.
tell me what they did to each other and she was so tight and it felt so good. So I started to think that I should just not even really try to turn him on cause these ex-sex partners were doing the trick just by him reminiscing about each sexual encounter he had with each. I felt like I was just there to play the vaginal part and that was it.
I started to wonder if it was the 17 year old babysitter that made him perform oral on her while she did the same for him. He was only 9 years old when that took place. Or maybe it was him Mom's best friend that was living with them and she came in the door one day and caught my husband at the age of 17 masturbating. I guess that was her invite to be able to get her rocks off too. She continued to have sex with him for the several months they stayed there until she moved out.
I kinda feel like that might have also kick-started a bit of a sex addiction. Because at the age of 30 he slept with a girl that was only 17. They spent a few weeks doing that. He tried to justify it by saying that she lied to him. Oh well, he is the one that chose to continue it regardless.
The last sex thing that he told me about has been the one that has sent me into a spinning spiral of depression and constant suicidal thought. I guess you are asking why I say that. I have never known what love from a man felt like till he came along. I invested every single ounce of love I had into that man, only to be left feeling empty. The last girl was the 23 year old daughter of his live-in girlfriend. Her mother wasn't taking care of business and keeping him satisfied. Her daughter had been making passes at him for a while before the incident.
The first time it happened, my husband had been fighting with his girlfriend and she left to the bar. Apparently, his words, she wouldn't be back till the bar closed. So that's when her daughter decided to go to her mom's bedroom where my husband was, just to cheer him up and tell him that she had been wanting to have sex with him for several months. So she removed the right articles of clothing and seduced him. Her only request to him is that she could call him during sex.
So months later here he is extremely excited when he talks about sex with her even though it's been about 6-7 years ago. It's gone to the extreme that he has the step-daddy and daughter porns. Sex is nothing good with us anymore. The majority of the time his penis is soft or he loses his erection the minute he has to enter his wife.
The other part of me worries again cause I have a 19 year old daughter still at home and she's still virginal. I never know if he's looking at her in sexual ways. He has made comments about how he would love to be inside some of her friends.
I feel like I brought this on myself. I have zilch of any self-worth again in my life, and I tell myself daily that I deserve every bit of this. I don't even know why I lay in the bed and torment myself but I do. He tells me that I am beautiful and that he loves me so much, but I call bull on that cause when you love someone, you don't get aroused by the thought of how good it was to have sex with an ex sex-partner, and her being nearly his step daughter at one time is what arouses him the most!
I have even tried and changed the sex talk subject to times when him and I had great sex, and he just continues on with his story like he cared less. I feel like he is that one person that was meant for me in life, but I don't know how I am going to ever be able to be naked around him again or how to be able to enjoy us during sex ever again.
Eugene Kayser, lic. Marriage & Family Therapist