To leave or not to leave

by Claire

Hi, I'm new to all this but thought I would give it a go.

My husband and I have been together for 22 years, married for 16. We tried ivf over a spell of 9 years as we both couldn't have out own children. With 4 attempts, 3 failures and 1 miscarriage we gave up ivf and went for adoption.

We finally had our little family by adopting 2 little girls who are amazing. The have both attached to both of us but mainly me. The girls haven't had a father figure before so it's been hard for them and my husband. 2.5 years on they've cracked it and adore my husband.

My husband has ocd and is on medication for it to help calm him down, however he has become quite nasty when he doesn't get his own way which makes me retaliate.

He keeps bringing up how we went through ivf because I couldn't have children, he wants sex with me and regularly says if I don't start performing soon and coming to him he will leave me and find someone else. He doesn't want a sexless marriage. He's also said I'm lucky he hasn't strayed and had an affair as he's been close to doing that. He's confessed to going on dating sites to' see what's out there' but never done anything about it.

My family has fallen on hard times in the past of which he keeps bringing up. They lost there house and now rent. He keeps saying they didn't listen which is why they lost everything and I'm going the same way. He keeps calling them useless cause there not particularly fond of him. He says he couldn't give a stuff about them and wishes he never sees them again.

I have an on off relationship with my family and he also brings that up and says they don't care about me and nobody does. He is close to his family and has told them he is unhappy. So now they're not particularly chatty with me. He brings that into the conversation too and says I have no one except him and he is getting fed up with me.

This Xmas has to be the worst yet. I have done everything from playing with the kids, setting up toys, playing with them, doing a Xmas meal, and all he's done is go upstairs because he's tired. He's tired because "he has a
more demanding job than me and is on more money etc etc"

I too have a full time job, I would for the NHS which can be demanding, I take the girls to school 3 days a week and pick them up 5 days a week, I come home, make tea, do homework, do all the shopping etc. He gripes that he has to take them to school 2 days a week which makes him late for work and I need to do more...

He states that when he was younger his mum did everything, so he is lucky he does some housework cause not all husband should do that.

When I'm on the phone to my mum or a friend he kicks off and regularly says what about you and I. He doesn't have many friends cause he puts us first and I shouldn't be on the phone when looking after the children too and says I'm not putting him or the girls first.

He now states I should go to the Dr and get my low self esteem looked at and get some medication. However I don't feel I should or need to. When I'm at work I feel free, happy and back to my old self. Nobody at works knows what's going on behind the scene. I enjoy my job too.
So I don't feel like I need to go to the Dr's.

I'm at a loss what to do, I do love him and often wonder what it would be like without him which makes me cry cause i'll worry about him. But again I can't carry on living like this. I feel not only trapped but I feel like he's controlling me. I was told off yesterday because I went to the toilet to change my bag (I have a stoma) he said I should have told him that's what j was doing and I'm being too secretive.

He has also said if I leave nobody will want me because of my stoma and I have gained a few pounds.

I know he's wrong... But I can't carry on like this anymore. I'm fed up of crying myself to sleep some nights, going to bed early is my only way of getting some peace and time to myself before he starts with the insults again.

What do I need to do? I'd this the end? Would counselling help? Or am I wasting my time?

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Eugene Kayser, MA, MFT's profile on the Gottman Referral Network