To Marry or Not to Marry
Hello, I am a 49 year old divorced woman, and engaged to marry my 46 year old fiancé, who is also divorced. We are planning to marry in about 8 months... but I have been thinking hard about this and need someone's opinion.
I love my fiancé and after three years of dating I still find him extremely attractive and we have great chemistry. He is kind and attentive to me, texts me and calls me at least three times a day (or more). But there are also many issues that have me concerned. I'm going to list these concerns here:
1. He has a son who just started a very expensive university; my fiancé already took $26k in a loan this year, and will take this much of a loan for the each of the next three years as well. I DO NOT WANT TO BE PART of that debt or responsible for it! I make a decent living and make more $$ than he does. I have a squeaky clean financial record. We want to buy a house that will be on my name, he is OK with that. I have more savings than he does. I suggested a prenuptial agreement just to separate our debts, but he got offended and defensive.
2. Although he is great to be around, at least 25% he can be in a bad mood. He can fly off the handle quick, cussing and getting angry easily about work mainly, and he can stay in a bad/depressive mood for a week or so.
3. He is not very social, has very few friends. I have to have people around me, not all the time, but I do enjoy having dinner and a few drinks with some of my friends. He gives me a little bit of a guilt trip when I want to see my friends.
4. He is extremely quiet and has only said a
few words to my 14 year old daughter in three years. My daughter, her boyfriend and us two went out last weekend and my fiancé barely said anything to my daughter, my daughter told me that "he gave her an angry vibe." I would love for him to be more interactive since we all are going to live under the same roof. I definitely talk to his son, and do my best to have conversations with him.
5. My parents are extremely religious and were reluctant to accept me having a relationship after my divorce. They finally came to the conclusion that I am a grown woman and entitled to make my own decisions, BUT they have not met him in person. In part because of their initial reaction, and in part because my fiancé is not the most friendly person in the world and I don't know how to bring them together. I have 5 siblings and only one of them has me my fiancé in person. I have met his mother and a few of his family members, since they live out of state in New York or Florida.
6. The last time he got mad at me, he told me he was moving to New York to be with his family. This is after knowing that I will NOT move there. When he believes I did something to hurt him, he turns around and tries to hurt me with things like this, or saying, "just break up with me, you don't care anyway." Most of the time though, I can't seem to bring up issues that bother me because of his reaction.
Again, overall he is a good person, but I'm having reservations. I dread the idea of breaking up, because of the fury I know it will cause from him, and because his mom and the few family members I know, love me.
Please let me know your thoughts... Thank you!
Eugene Kayser, lic. Marriage & Family Therapist