Trust Issues and Broken Confidence

by Brianna
(NY)

DH is in the army. We have been married since this past December and I thought things were going well. He left for Korea for a one year tour in May and we are almost finished.

There's been my lies and pain over the past few months. We have been able to talk over these issues and I thought we were finally okay. Today I looked at our bank account and I found a strange charge. I looked up what it is, and it's an online subscription for porn, $120 for a year that he signed up for last year right before he left for Korea.

I am very hurt and feel like I barely know who the man I got married to is anymore. I say this because we had a long conversation about porn when we first got together and a few times after. I expressed how I view it as emotional cheating on your partner and I found it very wrong to do when you are in a monogamous relationship. His reply was that he has only watched it when he was younger a couple of times and didn't like it, he agreed that it was wrong. It turns out he has deceived me for a year now and I'm not sure how I can trust him again or even feel good about myself.

We have a healthy sex life regardless of him being 7,000 miles away. We have video chats routinely and share photos. How am I supposed to get over this? I feel even less confident than I did before and I have bad depression so this definitely isn't helping. If there's anything worse than staring at naked women on screen, it's lying about it to the woman who matters most in your life.