What should I do?
I’m really after some advice. This all relates to two relationships so I’ll give you a bit of background on them.
Me and my ex split up 5 years ago. We were together for 3 years however I thought of him as my great love. He was the first person I really wanted to be with. We had so much in common. Eventually we moved in together, but it just didn’t work. He always seemed reluctant to settle down. I wanted kids etc, he wasn’t sure. So he ended it. We continued to sleep together ( silly I know) for a year, until we both ended up in new relationships.
I couldn’t get over him, let it ruin the next relationship I was in. (I won’t go into this as this particular relationship has no connection to this story and he left no lasting impression in my life other than he helped me to get over the ex). It was only then that I felt I was over him and could move on. I stopped pining for him. Not long after I started another relationship with my current bf. That was 2 and a half years ago. Me and the ex always remained in contact but not in a close way. The relationship with my current bf hasn’t necessarily been a happy one. I wasn’t in the best of places when we got together, due to the very recent break up I’d had and a few family issues. Yet all of a sudden, despite his imperfections there was someone there who claimed to love me, wanted me around and was always available to me, always on the end of the phone at the end of each day.
The relationship however has been hard. He was very paranoid and in the early days often accused me of being with other people. Whenever I went anywhere I was interrogated ( there was absolutely no reason for his paranoia, I was dedicated to him). I stopped going anywhere much because it wasn’t worth it. On the other hand I couldn’t go anywhere with him either. Whenever I asked he would just say no, he has too much to do ( I believe he has something called OCD and obsessed over doing jobs rather than engaging in leisure time with me). So again it was easier just not to bother. He can be pretty hard on me, gets angry easily. Blames me for things. He hoards so his house is a mess. I struggle to be there but he won’t come to mine.
I could go on with many more reasons why it hasn’t made me happy. Now recently my ex came back into my life as he had split up with his gf. He has made it clear he would be interested in seeing what could happen with us. His outlook on life has changed a lot. He very much wants a woman in his life to share it with. He talks about the things we could do together and it sounds so appealing coz we have so much in common, we enjoy doing the same things and would have such a good time. I can talk to him about anything and crave that openness with my current bf who won’t communicate. I look at him and think we could have such an amazing relationship now.
So I tried to bring a
few things up with current bf about how things could be better ( half hoping it might end I suppose). He went mental, trashed the house etc (I wasn’t surprised by this, if he is pushed he lashes out, I just haven’t seen it that extreme many times as I would just do as he says and play the dutiful gf). So after this he rang me the next day said sorry. I didn’t offer to go round for a few days and when the weekend came and he asked if I was coming round I said no not until we’d had a good talk. Almost another week went by until we finally spoke about stuff, what I wasn’t happy with in the relationship etc, although we didn’t really speak, he just argued and didn’t seem to take on anything I was saying. He’d say some dreadful things. Then he would ring again and say he’s sorry and how much he loves me, sometimes even crying and saying he doesn’t want to lose me.
Eventually I said I’d meet him if we went out somewhere to talk. So we did. However once there he didn’t want to talk and would get angry again. He said he thought we’d come out to spend some time together. So I gave up trying to talk and we actually ended up having a really nice day together ( in over 2 years this is only our second real day out!) In the evening he was really nice, didn’t go off and do his jobs and spent time with me. The next day he was the same. But I had this uneasy feeling. I didn’t want to just carry on, I needed some reassurance that things would be better. I was also scared that by staying with him I was giving up a potential chance to have an amazing life with my ex, one that current bf could never give me. But yet I do love him. And the thought of leaving someone I love and who loves me scares the crap out of me. And not only that he is the one who has stuck by me, in all of my other relationships it is always them that has eventually left me.
I have of course outlined all of the things about him that made our relationship difficult. There are many things I love. He is intelligent. And when he is living he can be really sweet. In his way he can be romantic. Like me, he doesn’t find life easy he really feels his emotions. Having two emotional people in a relationship might not be the best but at least I get it. My ex on the other hand is laid back. He can switch his emotions off and think with his head.
Anyway, I’ve rambled on for way long enough! My dilemma is do I stick with this relationship and give it a chance, knowing that I’d be giving up the chance to be with someone who I could have an amazing future with ( the ex). Or do I finish it to go out with the ex, knowing I’ve walked away from someone I love and who loves me??
Sorry I should add that current bf doesn’t really want kids. Yet another issue. I am in my mid thirties so this is important to me.
Thanks for reading, sorry it’s long x
Eugene Kayser, lic. Marriage & Family Therapist