What should I do?
My husband and I have been together 12 years married and 14 years together.
It hasn’t always been great as he is lazy when it comes to effort into the marriage when it comes to romance, sex, giving for holidays, anything really. You know.. we’ve been together for 14 years and he has never planned a date. When it comes to birthday and holidays, he always asks me what I want. He talks a lot of talk about what he’s going to do. But I end having to buy my own gifts even though I send him pictures for ideas. So this year, he was telling me he was going to get me a cake and take the kids to pick something out for me.The day comes.. I had to order my own cake and I ordered my own gifts off of amazon because he just didn’t know what to get me. I make holidays and birthdays a big deal for our two boys and him. Every single year. Sex is the same thing over and over again. It’s do him and then I get the crap end of the deal.
I have been completely faithful to him over the last 14 years. At times, codependent on him. I love him. He is good at cuddling and making me feel better when it comes to my anxiety and depression. He has never cheated on me. But he has done things that I found to be disrespectful to our marriage.
Someone from work messaged him a short video of a girl jiggling her naked butt and the coworker said “I would like to have one night with her”. My husband replied with “hell yeah”. There’s another guy that will send him just nasty porno type videos and I’ve asked him to tell the guy to stop or block him. He won’t do either because he works this guy and don’t want him to think bad about him. Which translates to me as I don’t care about your feelings and how I portray our marriage to the people at work. He’s has watched porn many times (he’s supposedly stopped a few years ago). we’ve been around his cousins and he has brought up past sexual activities. He wasn’t that experienced before we got together (he was a month from being 18 when we got together). He even told me that he’s never received or given oral sex before he got with me, but he was bragging to his cousins that he had it before. But through this all,
he has apologized (even though I feel like it was always a fake apology just to get me to forgive and move on)
I have never done any of that. But yesterday, while I was working, my husband snooped through my Facebook and went through a female group. He found a comment that I made back several months ago. The question was what was the craziest thing you done sexually and I replied about giving a bj in a back of a Walmart back room with a different guy. This guy, I had been talking to before I got with my husband. The dude had a girlfriend but I was a side piece (like twice). But once I got with my husband, I cut all ties with this guy. I have spoke with this guy once back in 2007 and I told him that I was happily with my husband and to leave me alone. It’s been 13 years.
Now my husband is upset with me. I apologized about the comment. I assured him that he was all that I wanted. He’s still upset with me. He hasn’t spoke to me since last night.
But I am angry too. That he can be disrespectful to our marriage but the moment I made a stupid comment, I feel like I’m on trial here. Like I did something terribly wrong.
here the last few months have been trying. I’ve had to get a job because we were in debt due to purchases that he has made. The whole no effort thing has finally pushed me away some. I’m working a job that I hate. But I can’t quit because if I do, we’ll be in a really bad spot financially. He doesn’t help much around the house. All of the household and child responsibilities are on me. Sometimes I feel like all does is gripe and complain about me and our oldest son. It’s been driving a wedge between us.
I have tried communication with him. Telling him I need help. Telling him I need more in our marriage. Sometimes it’ll change for a week or two. Then back to no effort. I have been irritable with him as things he does that did not bother me, it now bothers me.
I’m frustrated and kind of feeling like I want to be by myself. I love him so much and he can be good to me. Don’t get me wrong. We’ve had a lot of good times and I know he loves me. I just don’t know what to do.
Eugene Kayser, lic. Marriage & Family Therapist