Will things ever change back to how they used to be?
When my aunt passed away in 2015, my heart was shattered. She had just moved from across the country and was staying in my son’s room. On Mother’s Day, just 4 days after I picked her up from the airport, I found her unresponsive in her bed. The paramedics came and worked for a while, then they pronounced the time of death. I can only remember falling to the floor and screaming “No”.
Two days later was my birthday and I spent it making the final funeral arrangements for the next day. My grief completely overtook me. I wasn’t me at all. I don’t leave my house for 3 1/2 months. I felt like my husband wasn’t there for me. He wouldn’t even hug me when I cried. He was mean. If I was having a hard time and got mad at him, he would scream at me. This led to many many really horrible fights. During these fights, we said really bad things to and about each other.
Fast forward to 2018. The fights are still happening. I learned on my own how to better deal with my grief. I read anything I could online and worked from there. I am still sad when I think of it. But I can better cope. My husband has made new friends. Some of them I have met once or twice. Some I have never met. He hangs out with them a lot. He deletes his messages so I can’t read them, changes his passwords, he leaves all hours of the night to go meet them for this or that. I’ve found a number in his contact list that had the name “@ss”.
these new friends over me all the time. He hasn’t taken me on a date or bought me a gift in 3 years. The date issue has become so big that I don't want it anymore. It’s too forced now. When I try to talk to him and tell him how I feel, He yells at me, says things like “why are you always so negative” or “why does there always have to be a problem”. He won’t listen to me at all. He always turns it around to tell me what I am doing wrong instead of hearing me at all.
I cry daily. Most days I cry myself to sleep. The words he says most often are “I didn’t do anything wrong”. He has left a couple of times and stayed out all night. He always has some excuse. He insists that he doesn’t lie to me. Even though I have confronted him with the evidence many times. But he just yells at me for it and says that I will never admit when I have done something to him. I love him. He says he loves me but I don’t see that he does. He says “I went to the store for you and got you coffee today, why can’t you ever see the good I do for you” when he does that kind of thing I always thank him and I always acknowledge his kind deed. But I am not going to dwell on it and forget the next time he leaves to go pick up groceries and is gone for 8 hours!!
I am lost with what to do. For the first 12 years our marriage was almost perfect.
Eugene Kayser, lic. Marriage & Family Therapist